Ground Hog Days...

Its hard to believe its been 9 years since BBGs humvee, UH-6o ambulance hospital airplane hospital airplane hospital airplane ambulance ride home. I know of said it before but my kids have paid the biggest price. The mom used to have is not the one they ended up with through no fault of their own. I, on the other hand, signed the contract and said the vows.

I deserve the Ground Hog Days of life after Iraq.

Well, I don' think anyone deserves this but I committed to the girl and so get committed to this whether I like it or not. I have to tell you though - I'm tired. I used to think I was a good guy for sticking through it all. The yelling the shitty behaviors, the mean things said to friends, the focus on those friends and not us and the kids. I'm beginning to wonder though.

Am I a good guy or just a fool?

Sometimes I wonder...

The boy with my name

Funny - in the middle of all my whining (lets face it , thats what this blog is), the boy with my name smoked his final history paper this semester. Despite all that my children have been through with a mother living under the veil of TBI and PTSD and a father struggling to live through everything else, they manage to keep going and sometimes even thrive.

Just goes to show that maybe nurture isn't all its cracked up to be.

TIA

Earl

Nothing to fear but fear itself

BBG is involved in an arts program to help with her PTSD, with some Artsy kind of folks and soldiers from Fort Carson. She is actually a good painter and already an artist in her own right for Quilting and Fiber Art. These are her friends and they help each other so she jumped right in when they said they were coming up to Denver from the Springs to hit some of the galleries.

This is our text stream from this morning. I am at work and trying not to get fired for always being on the phone.

BBG: They are coming to pick me up
Me: Good - have fun
BBG: yeah I'm excited
Me: Cool - Have fun
BBG: I want to go
Me: Thats nice. Have fun
BBG: I will because it will be fun
me: Good
BBG: They're on their way
ME: Great Hon
BBG: I'll be headed out soon
ME: Have fun - Ciao (read hint hint - GOOD BYE)
BBG: Well I'm going to get ready
ME: later (Thinking - You're not ready Already???!)

5 minute pause - sound of me actually doing work in the back ground

BBG: They just called and they are at the old house (We moved 19 months ago)
Me: Did you give them the new address?
BBG: I guess I forgot
ME: Do they have it now?
BBG: Umm - yeah
ME: OK
BBG: I was hoping they'd just skip me since they went to the wrong address
ME: Really?
BBG: I don't really want to go - I think
ME: Oh
BBG: Its in the city
ME: uhh yeah (Duhhh!!!)
BBG: I'm tired
ME: uhh huhhh
BBG: Lots of people and stuff
ME: uhh huhhh

mysterious five minute pause - getting ready maybe?

BBG: heading out now seeya (Happy as can be)
ME: ????

Some days are just freaking exhausting!!!

Earl

It lives

Title says it all... and I've been gone for awhile...

I left because I think I needed to ignore Iraq for awhile. truth is you really can't ignore it. seven and a half years since BBG got the humvee helo plane hospital plane hospital plane plane ambulance hospital ride home from the big sandy and it is crushingly part of every day of our lives. Putting it down on paper just keeps it at the surface and I decided to let the fire burn low for awhile.

I had planned on a couple of months

give or take (30ish)

and now here we are... he's baaaack

(Insert visual of kid on tricycle and creepy ghost girls here)

I'm not sure how much I'm going to talk about life after Iraq, PTSD, TBI etc. or how in depth I will go. How many times can you say it sucks ass and has been as tough on you and the kids as it has been on BBG before it starts to sound like whining?

TBI month (Yes - this month) and my novels got me thinking about it again so I think I'll just see how it goes.

Sometimes you just have to get away

Its been two months and one day since I've posted - sorry! I'll make my excuses short and get back to what I do.

1) Work has been insane. As an aside (meaning on my own time), I've fallen into providing process engineering support to an engineer and inventor who has developed some material that provides ballistic protection at weights that are significantly lower than what is currently out there. Imagine a humvee that is not so top heavy it flips every time you turn a sharp corner or imagine body armor shaped like your body at half the weight of what our soldiers are currently wearing.

Amazing!

2) I've been tired. Every once in awhile I get wrapped back up in me. I'm tired of being the caregiver. I just want to be a husband or a dad. I don't want to be the husband of the disabled Iraq vet. I will always be that but sometimes I like to pretend I'm not and so I stay away for a time.

Our lives are OK right now. Summer is coming and no longer having the ability to regulate body temp is definitely starting to affect BBG so I am wary of what summer will bring. I am already starting to find my children tucked in at night wearing an occasional ski toque. On a brighter note, she is involved in some sort of project which will be highlighting women vets and their lives post Iraq/Afghanistan. A photographer and writer was here today and will spend some time with us over the next little while learning about our lives.

Smart money says she'll be half crazy by the end of the week. Thank god for the meth lab in the basement!

It felt funny. I know I write about all of this so its not exactly a secret but it's different somehow when you say it out loud. Perhaps there is comfort in not saying things out loud. There is certainly a certain level of comfort in the anonymity that comes with being the average unknown redneck writer in the blogosphere and I must admit I kind of like that.

So I'm back - Tomorrow, I'll share a story about a friends son's sad return from Iraq and his efforts to get retired and have his VA disability completed. As per normal, it could be mapped at the same speed as continental drift.

TIA

Earl

A Me day

OK - most of this year will be dedictaed to our wounded.

Today is just me being a dad.

I need to stop being a soldier and I need to chill out. A friend from work is headed to a bikini vacation in Bali and she was telling me all about it over dinner on my recent business trip to Europe. Unintentionally, I gave her a forty five minute threat and personal security briefing. She told me today that she might not go.

oops

To make things even worse, I am sending my baby girl (sixteen and about to be a senior in high school) off to China for a month of language emersion this coming summer. I was on the phone with someone from the program's offices in Toronto today and found myself grilling her about about security issues. I probably owe her an apology but I'm going to hide behind the concerned parent excuse rather than the Army Officer and husband of messed up Iraq vet. It seems a little more normal.

You know I was getting a little excessive when BBG - the woman who wakes up screaming and starts digging in the comforter for her weapon late at night tells me to chill out.

Tomorrow, I'll tell you a little bit what happens to you after you've lived with a PTSD vet for awhile.


TIA

Earl

Thanks for the Fish

Back in Europe for work. Sounds cool but let's be honest - I've got three kids, a disabled wife and a house full of neurotic pets. I have responsibilities at home and I want to be with them.

This blows huge a$$!

Good to get that off my chest. Today is not about them; M, BBG, the grommets, or other wayward and god protected fools. Its about YOU. I just wanted to say thanks for all of the great notes and comments I've been getting over the last few weeks. If you never read, I'd still write - its my thing. It does however help me a lot. This is my wee way of making sure that the above and those to come are never forgotten. It is also a way for me to feel a little less alone in this giant interconnected world that isolates us all. I get to throw out my two cents, in what I hope is a reasonable fashion and some of you have been very kind over the long haul. I write because I need to but its nice to be noticed.

All I can say is thanks but its a heartfelt one at that. I would ask one thing: Share my blog or some of the others out there about all of this with a friend and ask them to pass it on.

Great directory is http://www.blogcatalog.com

Here's my continuing spiel...

We have tens of thousands of young men and women who have been injured and wounded in service of our nation. This is a non political issue. We have a responsibility to take care of those who serve in our name. The only way that will happen is if we spread the message. I have friends who lived in horrible conditions for more than a year while they went through the Army Physical Disability Evaluation System (PDES) and no one cared until a hole in the back corner of Walter Reed showed up in the Washington Post and on NBC nightly news. You don't have to pick my blog but find one or two about life after the GWOT and pass it around. Make sure that M's stop happening.

TIA

Earl

Reading and Writing

Its been a rough month (ok - a rough four years) so you'll have to excuse me if I throw a couple out there that have nothing to do with the familia or Iraq.

You start to get tired

You may have noticed by my goals section to the right that I am a writer. I also happen to be a voracious reader. I probably read five books a week in addition to writing about 5,000 words. For me, the great escape, is a quiet house in the wee hours and good music and great writing or reading. I read it all from history to Steven King to Nicholas Sparks and everything in between.

On that thought - I thought I'd share something with you.




TIA

Earl

Pink Better than Scarlet Jo and Jello

Sorry SJ - you're still in the top two but sex appeal, a smokin voice and the video did you in. The video says it all




TIA

Earl

Do not go gentle into that good night

Do not go gentle into that good night,
Old age should burn and rave at close of day;
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Though wise men at their end know dark is right,
Because their words had forked no lightning they
Do not go gentle into that good night.

Good men, the last wave by, crying how bright
Their frail deeds might have danced in a green bay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Wild men who caught and sang the sun in flight,
And learn, too late, they grieved it on its way,
Do not go gentle into that good night.

Grave men, near death, who see with blinding sight
Blind eyes could blaze like meteors and be gay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

And you, my father, there on the sad height,
Curse, bless, me now with your fierce tears, I pray.
Do not go gentle into that good night.
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.
(Dylan Thomas)

BBG is alive, the kids are safely tucked into their dreams, and we have hopefully buried the last comrade, friend, son, father, other mothers brother or other - someones other someone and I am tired. Do you suppose its over yet or will I wave at my children as they off to this war we fight - away from the cares of the rest of America?

I knew I should have stayed away from the meth

yeah right

TIA

Earl

Landshark

Brian Hart lost his son John to a roadside ambush near Kirkuk Iraq in 2003. John and his commander were killed when their unarmored humvee was struck by a roadside bomb. Brian Channeled this loss into proof that we can accomplish anything. The link below is his legacy to his son - The Landshark!

I am saddened by his loss and uplifted by his service to our soldiers. He and John's Uncle have prototyped an unguided ground vehicle (UGV) built for IED detection and destruction, sniper range and ID, as well as perimeter security. It costs less than a third of the large defense industry competitor.

Check it out





You sir are a credit to your son and to your nation.

Thanks

Earl

Homeward Bound

Once again, I probably don't need to post a damn thing - the title says it all.

Two weeks in Germany is enough. Its a beautiful country but more than anything it just reminds me how good it is to be home and how different and rich and abundant our lives are in the States. It doesn't help that I don't know the language nor do I have an ear for it. Spanish and French came so much more easily and my colleagues here speak English quite well.

aka - there is zero incentive to really learn.

Being the guy I am, I have tried to learn a couple of words each day. Today, I learned two: one at work (Wetter - weather) and the other (Bus - Bus) I leaarned this evening. I learned Bus as I was driving into Frankfurt in Bumper to bumper traffic next to the empty bus lane which had the word bus printed all over it. As I debated with my A driver whether or not I could get away with claiming car pool status with the local polizei if they pulled me over, he kindly pointed out that bus is bus and its painted in big yellow letters every fifty feet for ten miles down Franfurter Strasse.

Everyone's a comedian and we were late for dinner.

I remember coming home from a year in the jungle and how astonished I was when I arrived in a Northern Lake Effect Snow prone place after a trains, planes, buses ride straight from the Amazon river basin. No shanties or raw sewage in the towns, no smell, and no jungle; no beans and rice and constant runs. My first trip to the commissary almost overwhelmed me and the three frozen pizzas I ate when I got home two hours later did the trick instead. It was not a "thank god I'm home with my family" experience. It was an overwhelming, is this real experience that will stay with me forever.

This is different. I'm just glad to be going home to be with my wife and kids. I miss them.

I can't imagine what the plane plane ambulance hospital ambulance plane plane ambulance hospital car ride home from Iraq was like for BBG. I think maybe I'll ask one night when we're all tucked in, drugs are on board, and sleep is almost there. That's the best time for questions like that.

In my defense - she did it all on morphine so it must have been kind of fun or at least very hazy. .

In her defense - business class seats on a certain German Airline turn into beds, there is nintendo in the back of my seat, booze is free, and we get two very good meals turned out by Scarlett Jo look alikes.

Jello is absent.

TIA

Earl

Dreams

In America, we have the power to make our dreams come true.

I try to write about what we're going through with post Iraq 101. I skip a lot of things because they're private. Since I have thrown anonymity to the wind, I can't talk about some things so I'm going to try and keep this broad.

My wife and I served for a myriad of reasons: Patriotism, food, college money, a life surrounded by men and women of honor. All these things and more drive us and our friends to stand on a wall when others will not. In my case, it was just as much about achieving my dreams as anything else. You know - fast and low in the dark. My BBG did it for family and for her dreams - to be a PA and she was well on her to way to making it until all of this happened.

I am in Germany for work now, playing the loud American, and each day I realize how fortunate we are to grow up in North America. We have bigger homes, cheaper gas, and boundless opportunities. We can achieve whatever we dream - just ask Obama.

All, we have to do is put in the effort and we can become whatever we want. - an astronaut, a PA, even a pilot. To achieve these dreams we have to continue to live in a society of endless possibility - a place where we can achieve the impossible, a place where we can worship who and what we want, and a place where we have the freedom to go after it all. These men and women who stand for us (all of them) do just that. They give us the opportunity to go after it all and a safe place to do it from. I feel privileged to be a part of that special group.

The hardest thing about getting messed up in Iraq is that it kills your dreams. The endless possibilities are gone and now you are faced with a life of limitations. Families of the injured and wounded face difficult financial times, uncertain medical outcomes and a lifetime knowing that they cannot do what they had once intended to do. They have lost their dreams. My son's favorite saying has become, "what’s the point?" I wish I had the right answer but I don't. I'm a father and husband not the miracle worker. I tell him this: "Sometimes you have to change your dreams." I did and so is my wife but no matter what, somewhere in the back of your mind is what if? What if I hadn't gotten hurt? What if I could still do this or that? When a dream becomes so deeply ingrained in your soul (just what dreams do) it becomes very hard to give it up. And so your life become overwhelmingly filled with why's instead of what’s or hows.

I'm trying very hard to switch back to what’s and hows but I've got to be honest with you, some days its still filled with WHYs.

TIA

Earl

Rough Week

I think the title says it all. Some days, some weeks, hell - some years just suck more than others and this week takes the cake.

I wish I had the magic bullet for anyone else out there going through all this but I don't. Every time I start to think I'm getting the hang of this whole post Iraq bullshit - life takes me down a peg. The kids are in trouble, my BBG hates me and no matter what I do its wrong.

I can't even seem to write this week and I was jazzed about the Breast Cancer Screenplay (different from the novel). Every time I sit down to write it feels like my heads going to explode and crap flys from my finger tips. I know its a phaze but I've never had a bad writing phase so I'm a little bit morose about the whole thing.

On a bright note - I scored two goals at my hockey game tonight and one of our local Congressional candidates' (Mike Coffman) wife showed up at our house tonight doing the traditional door to door thing. First, I am totally impressed that someone is actually doing that - this was the first candidate (or supporter) who has shown up at my door since the madness began. Second - she made my wife feel good. I have been failing miserably at making anyone feel good so it was nice to come home post hockey high and actually find my wife in a good mood.

It didn't last but for a few minutes someone running for Congress made my disabled vet feel like she mattered. I know she's not Joe the Plumber and I know its the economy stupid but I would like to remind you that young men and women continue to die in our names. The media just doesn't share it because it makes for bad ratings.

Thank you Mrs. Mike Coffman

BTW - you may have noticed some changes to my music. Its easier than the monthly "whats on my Ipod" that every other blogger does.

SABRE SIX GOING DOWN

New Vet Suicide Hotline!!!!!!!!

Please take the time to watch the PSA in the post Below. The VA will be testing this in select markets over the next few weeks but I am told that the phone lines are working. Send the link to everyone you know.

Listen - It doesn't matter who you are, if you're back from over there trying to figure out how to live in the here and now you've thought about suicide. Its an upside down f'd up world and we're all wrung inside out but there is hope.

Some days you've just got to talk to someone and as screwed up as the VA is, there are a lot of people there who care that you stay alive and make it through this.

Families, friends, husbands, wives, sons and daughters its your number too. It sucks living through all of this but the option is a silver box and a flag and I for one choose to live through the hell.

Its living.

Secret Identity Blown

Now I know how Batman felt.

Well maybe not but I bet Scarlett Johannson would do the jello thing if I were Batman.


Sorry - shameless monthly Scarlett Jo and Jello plug.


When I started this blog I chose not to really advertise who I am. My wife and kids deserve to retain as much of their dignity as they can and I'm not whats important here. Whats important here is that folks get a look at life after Iraq in the eyes of a family who lives it.

Well, I blew it.

As a freelance writer, my essays have been in Newsweek, the Denver Post/Rocky Mountain News, the Washington Post, The Operation Homecoming anthology by Random House and the NEA and a documentary film based on the anthology. Before today, I have never linked my outside writing with my blog.

BTW - none of that has helped me get any of my novels published.

All in good time though, right?

I write all of this for a couple of reasons: 1) Self Therapy - blogs and essays never say I hate you daddy, and 2) Eventually people will take notice - not of me and mine but of the tens of thousands of young, men, women and their families who have it even worse than us because of sandy vacations gone bad. America has relegated us to the sidelines behind Brittany Spear's panties, the price of gas, the housing crisis, and the odd basketball game. These are all less important than young men and women dying and being maimed in our names.

Yesterday, I had a guest commentary in the Denver Post and they (with my blessing) posted a link to this blog. I thought long and hard about doing that. I talked with my family and finally decided that sharing this is really important. Its not important because I'm a freelance writer in need of more newspapers or a publisher - which I am. Its important that we find a way to get America engaged in the process of taking care of its service members - which it is not.

I write this blog so someday maybe someone will read and think about what they can do for the 20 yo ex Army specialist in NC who is so plagued by post TBI migraines that he can't get out of bed let alone work to support his 19 yo wife and infant children. The Army didn't retire him due to a technicality so the local DAV is keeping them afloat, albeit on food stamps. I write this blog in the hopes that someone (or many someones) will see it and send a letter to their congressman or senator demanding more VA funding and better care for our returning heroes and I write it because I know there are a hell of a lot of others, like me, who feel terribly alone.

Here's the link to the Denver Post Essay.

http://www.denverpost.com/opinionheadlines/ci_9480859

TIA

Peter

I'm still an ass

Arrgggghhh!

Sorry I've been away for a couple of weeks.

I'm finishing my lean six sigma black belt training and with work and trying to finish the breast cancer novel - I'm smoked!

Now you know why I live at http://www.goingwacko.blogspot.com/

My BBG has had a rough couple of weeks. For those of you who don't know, a common side effect of TBIs is post TBI migraines and apparently about 30 to 40% of TBI recoveries involve a lifetime of these babies.

They are frequent
They are debilitating
and they leave you prone in a dark room for days praying for the end.

The good news is that Percocet, Valium, and some other hard to spell drugs provide minor relief. The better news is that lots of the aforementioned drugs provide moderate relief. I'll bet you can see where this is going. BBG has had a rough month with these babies and we are going through the approved list of drugs at the speed of light.

I've been pulling twelve hour days at the office and then 6 to 8 on school and novel at home which rapidly turned into a disaster area. Maybe not so much a disaster area but a minnie Mt St Helen's in my living room kind of mess and my vunderkind haven't done squat. I don't expect them to get on their hands and knees and scrub but at 11, 13, and 15, they ought to be able to throw a pizza box in the trash.

I'm a good father - I yelled at all of them

and mommy

Yeah ... I'm an ass.

Iraqi War Vets and Families

Although the gist of this blog has always been about vets and their families, I'll be the first to admit that I've strayed.

Sorry

In my defense, any of you living in "The Suck" understand that its nice to get away from it once in awhile... and the posts about Scarlett Johannson and Jello are a perfectly normal reaction to a stressful environment so I think you should forgive those too. Time to get back to the real reason I'm here and to give a couple of shout outs:

http://www.groups.msn.com/IraqWarVeterans

Any vet, family member of a vet, friend of a vet and all of the above should check out this link. Its a great group on MSN Groups for, by and about vets. Trust me, the one thing we all need to deal with all of this is someone or many someones who are going through exactly the same thing. Its a great site. Sometimes a little annoying - you can only take so much pain in a day.In the end though, who am I to tell someone whose been over there or married to someone who is back here but mentally still over there to give it a rest. I do after all, write about it every day.

http://www.museoffire.net/Welcome.html

Lawrence Bridges' Muse of Fire is an exploration of the human, historical, and literary value of “Operation Homecoming:” a project created by the NEA to help troops and their families write about their wartime experiences. Featuring interviews and readings by US troops, their families, and distinguished contemporary American writers.

This is a great link to the Film Muse of Fire by larry Bridges. Take a minute and hit Youtube and search Muse of Fire to see some shorts from the film. I can't watch it all the way through without crying and my wife can't watch it all. Of course, I'm in it.


TIA

This is Arabia

There and back again:

Its funny, I've tried to get into this blog twice and failed both times. Horrible stuff comes out and I post it and read it every few days and wrap myself in my anger and ignore it. I swear I'll never post again.

Great combo eh? A liar and a writer!

I think I've finally come to terms with all of this. There is nothing I can do. My beautiful bride is no better, my three children are worse, and my writing has come to a standstill. I haven't done anything in a couple of weeks. I have another novel completed and I'm almost done with another screenplay but I can't bring myself to look at them let alone edit them. It would kill me if I had the time to die.

My girl is alive but that's about it. Her bouts with PTSD are at a new level of extreme, my oldest - a beautiful blond teenage girl with a zest for life, just came out of rehab and has physical and emotional scars that won't heal. As she told her mother today - I hate you for going to Iraq. Why did you do that to us?

So much for zest.

Right now, I'm just praying for life.

My son is much better. He only goes to the Principal's office daily for being an angry smart-ass with his teachers. When I try to explain to the principal what we're going through, he smiles and nods and tells me how his dad served in the Navy for years, thanks me for our service and then tells me that he wants to suspend my little boy who still says "sir" and "ma'am" and wishes he could have a sleep-over just once.

He can't!

Mom can no longer control her body temperature so she's sleeping in the family room with the A/C on - while the snow flies outside the window. If I come home late from work, my littlest is snuggled on the couch, asleep next to her mommy - ski hat on her head.

My wife's therapist from the VA is a wonderful person. She called me last week just to see how I was doing. How do you tell her that you're ready to come unglued when you're holding the last tenuous string that's keeping a family from imploding. Besides, its not like they can do anything. She can't see my kids and me too. She's buried alive in patients and that's not part of the deal.

After they've screwed them for a couple of years, the military and the VA eventually take care of the soldiers. As a nation we are forcing them to do that. As for the families - wave your flag and shut up.

The VA is desperately underfunded. No that's not true. They've spent a million bucks to see if they can follow PTSD patients via phone. What they have not done is hired more mental health professionals and If you haven't figured it out from the rest of my post ...

WE NEED THEM!!!!

I'd just like to thank the Democrats and Republicans for playing politics with the Veterans Bill. We don't need the money. Honest, we'll make do. At least that's what I say when I'm lying to my children.