The boy with my name

Funny - in the middle of all my whining (lets face it , thats what this blog is), the boy with my name smoked his final history paper this semester. Despite all that my children have been through with a mother living under the veil of TBI and PTSD and a father struggling to live through everything else, they manage to keep going and sometimes even thrive.

Just goes to show that maybe nurture isn't all its cracked up to be.

TIA

Earl

Nothing to fear but fear itself

BBG is involved in an arts program to help with her PTSD, with some Artsy kind of folks and soldiers from Fort Carson. She is actually a good painter and already an artist in her own right for Quilting and Fiber Art. These are her friends and they help each other so she jumped right in when they said they were coming up to Denver from the Springs to hit some of the galleries.

This is our text stream from this morning. I am at work and trying not to get fired for always being on the phone.

BBG: They are coming to pick me up
Me: Good - have fun
BBG: yeah I'm excited
Me: Cool - Have fun
BBG: I want to go
Me: Thats nice. Have fun
BBG: I will because it will be fun
me: Good
BBG: They're on their way
ME: Great Hon
BBG: I'll be headed out soon
ME: Have fun - Ciao (read hint hint - GOOD BYE)
BBG: Well I'm going to get ready
ME: later (Thinking - You're not ready Already???!)

5 minute pause - sound of me actually doing work in the back ground

BBG: They just called and they are at the old house (We moved 19 months ago)
Me: Did you give them the new address?
BBG: I guess I forgot
ME: Do they have it now?
BBG: Umm - yeah
ME: OK
BBG: I was hoping they'd just skip me since they went to the wrong address
ME: Really?
BBG: I don't really want to go - I think
ME: Oh
BBG: Its in the city
ME: uhh yeah (Duhhh!!!)
BBG: I'm tired
ME: uhh huhhh
BBG: Lots of people and stuff
ME: uhh huhhh

mysterious five minute pause - getting ready maybe?

BBG: heading out now seeya (Happy as can be)
ME: ????

Some days are just freaking exhausting!!!

Earl

It lives

Title says it all... and I've been gone for awhile...

I left because I think I needed to ignore Iraq for awhile. truth is you really can't ignore it. seven and a half years since BBG got the humvee helo plane hospital plane hospital plane plane ambulance hospital ride home from the big sandy and it is crushingly part of every day of our lives. Putting it down on paper just keeps it at the surface and I decided to let the fire burn low for awhile.

I had planned on a couple of months

give or take (30ish)

and now here we are... he's baaaack

(Insert visual of kid on tricycle and creepy ghost girls here)

I'm not sure how much I'm going to talk about life after Iraq, PTSD, TBI etc. or how in depth I will go. How many times can you say it sucks ass and has been as tough on you and the kids as it has been on BBG before it starts to sound like whining?

TBI month (Yes - this month) and my novels got me thinking about it again so I think I'll just see how it goes.

Fiddler's Green

The beautiful thing about the military is that you lose track of old friends, switch duty stations, walk into the briefing room and lo and behold - there they are. The years melt away and you fill the gap with stories of wives, children, and the myriad of other things that fill our lives.

I learned today that an old friend's son was killed in Afghanistan last July. I remember when he was fourteen and wanted nothing more than a day with his dad. He died, a cavalryman, saving his soldiers. This one goes out to his mother and father. Nothing we say can ever be enough.

Fiddler's Green (Cavalry)

Halfway down the trail to hell
In a shady meadow green,
Are the souls of all dead troopers camped
Near a good old-time canteen

And this eternal resting place
Is known as Fiddler's Green.

Marching past, straight through to hell,
The infantry are seen, '
Accompanied by the Engineers,
Artillery and Marine,


For none but the shades of Cavalrymen
Dismount at Flddlers' Green.

Though some go curving down the trail
To seek a warmer scene,
No trooper ever gets to Hell
Ere he's emptied his canteen,

And so rides back to drink agaln
With friends at Fiddlers' Green.

And so when man and horse go down
Beneath a saber keen,
Or in a roaring charge or fierce melee
You stop a bullet clean,
And the hostiles come to get your scalp,
Just empty your canteen,

And put your pistol to your head
And go to Fiddlers' Green.


TIA

Earl

Secret Identity Blown

Now I know how Batman felt.

Well maybe not but I bet Scarlett Johannson would do the jello thing if I were Batman.


Sorry - shameless monthly Scarlett Jo and Jello plug.


When I started this blog I chose not to really advertise who I am. My wife and kids deserve to retain as much of their dignity as they can and I'm not whats important here. Whats important here is that folks get a look at life after Iraq in the eyes of a family who lives it.

Well, I blew it.

As a freelance writer, my essays have been in Newsweek, the Denver Post/Rocky Mountain News, the Washington Post, The Operation Homecoming anthology by Random House and the NEA and a documentary film based on the anthology. Before today, I have never linked my outside writing with my blog.

BTW - none of that has helped me get any of my novels published.

All in good time though, right?

I write all of this for a couple of reasons: 1) Self Therapy - blogs and essays never say I hate you daddy, and 2) Eventually people will take notice - not of me and mine but of the tens of thousands of young, men, women and their families who have it even worse than us because of sandy vacations gone bad. America has relegated us to the sidelines behind Brittany Spear's panties, the price of gas, the housing crisis, and the odd basketball game. These are all less important than young men and women dying and being maimed in our names.

Yesterday, I had a guest commentary in the Denver Post and they (with my blessing) posted a link to this blog. I thought long and hard about doing that. I talked with my family and finally decided that sharing this is really important. Its not important because I'm a freelance writer in need of more newspapers or a publisher - which I am. Its important that we find a way to get America engaged in the process of taking care of its service members - which it is not.

I write this blog so someday maybe someone will read and think about what they can do for the 20 yo ex Army specialist in NC who is so plagued by post TBI migraines that he can't get out of bed let alone work to support his 19 yo wife and infant children. The Army didn't retire him due to a technicality so the local DAV is keeping them afloat, albeit on food stamps. I write this blog in the hopes that someone (or many someones) will see it and send a letter to their congressman or senator demanding more VA funding and better care for our returning heroes and I write it because I know there are a hell of a lot of others, like me, who feel terribly alone.

Here's the link to the Denver Post Essay.

http://www.denverpost.com/opinionheadlines/ci_9480859

TIA

Peter

I'm still an ass

Arrgggghhh!

Sorry I've been away for a couple of weeks.

I'm finishing my lean six sigma black belt training and with work and trying to finish the breast cancer novel - I'm smoked!

Now you know why I live at http://www.goingwacko.blogspot.com/

My BBG has had a rough couple of weeks. For those of you who don't know, a common side effect of TBIs is post TBI migraines and apparently about 30 to 40% of TBI recoveries involve a lifetime of these babies.

They are frequent
They are debilitating
and they leave you prone in a dark room for days praying for the end.

The good news is that Percocet, Valium, and some other hard to spell drugs provide minor relief. The better news is that lots of the aforementioned drugs provide moderate relief. I'll bet you can see where this is going. BBG has had a rough month with these babies and we are going through the approved list of drugs at the speed of light.

I've been pulling twelve hour days at the office and then 6 to 8 on school and novel at home which rapidly turned into a disaster area. Maybe not so much a disaster area but a minnie Mt St Helen's in my living room kind of mess and my vunderkind haven't done squat. I don't expect them to get on their hands and knees and scrub but at 11, 13, and 15, they ought to be able to throw a pizza box in the trash.

I'm a good father - I yelled at all of them

and mommy

Yeah ... I'm an ass.

The New G.I. Bill - Dead for Now

FROM CNN

" A measure that would give veterans of the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan full four-year scholarships, dubbed a new G.I. Bill, also passed by a vote of 266-166, short of the two-thirds needed to override the promised veto by President Bush.
The added benefits would cost $52 billion over 10 years and would be paid for by a 0.5 percent surtax on individuals making more than $500,000 a year and couples making more than $1 million. Calling the new tax a "patriot premium," Democrats argued that it was time for wealthy Americans to share in the sacrifice that troops are making in Iraq. "

Two quick points:

1) I believe in the idea that wealthy Americans need to share in the pain and sacrifices of our service members and their families. Score one for the Democrats. Actually, I think all of America needs to get engaged in the sacrifices of our military. That would do one of two things: a) force Americans to stand up against the war and bring us home, or b) stand up for the military and make sure our disabled veterans get proper care and treatment from the VA and the military, make sure that our active members are recognized for their service, and provide us the tools and material to execute this war - with a nation behind us. There is no force greater than the one with the full weight of the American people behind it.

2) I am dismayed that the President doesn't care enough about us (Veterans, Service Members and their families) to make sure that we can come home from the war and begin to build new lives with an education that will help us succeed. The excuse that it is too costly pales when you look at the weekly cost of these wars.

As a former Army Officer, I am a Republican. I naturally gravitate towards a Republican Party that has generally done a better job of supporting the military over the years than the Democrats have done.

As Republicans - we have found a new way to fail our vets this week.

F&^ck!

Vet Suicides

Sorry,

I've been away for the last couple of weeks but we had some serious family issues. I would explain it if I could but you would never believe me. I still don't believe it happened to us.

Think Alfa Dog

Then let it go and lets just say my chick made it home alive.

Now, lets get back to vet suicides.

It turns out that the head of the VAs Mental Health program, Dr. Ira Katz, very specifically chose to hide the real number of vet suicides that are occurring while vets are under the care of the VA. He misrepresented the data to a level that can almost be considered criminal. He is a man under great pressure from an administration that would like to hide what we are all going through and so he stuck his moral compass back in his ruck and marched on. I don't condone it but I understand it. Please check the link below and decide for yourself.

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/24302814/

Here is my two cents:

Because of my wife's post Iraq PTSD, our family has been receiving mental health care from the VA for over two years now. It is not always perfect, It doesn't always work, and sometimes I walk away wanting to smack somebody but they are always there.

My wife's VA health care workers are killing themselves to take care of us and to provide hope. I know it doesn't always seem like it by I will always be thankful to them. I'd thank them out loud here - they deserve it - but the butterfly theory always stops me from sharing names here. You know who you are and I appreciate you, my bbf (beautiful blond girl for you newbies) appreciates you too.

She would never admit it but she needs you.

BBF may not be healed but she's still here and given the statistics from the article linked above, I'll take it. The problem is not that there are so many vet suicides. A lot of us have served and many will carry these scars forever. We accept this as a part of service. The crime here, is that most of you don't know how badly we are suffering and the man most able to share that with you, hid it because his political masters don't want you to hear more bad news about the WOT. They want sunshine and roses.

This is war folks - no roses left.

Just thorns.

Here is the info you need to share and demand that your political representatives take care of.

Over one million Iraq vets
34% plus PTSD rates
Over 4045 Killed and over 65,000 wounded

Our VA is underfunded and does not have the resources to care for us. The providers there (not the bureaucrats) will go to any lengths to help us but there is only so much they can do with inadequate resources. We came home broken, messed, mentally torn up and it has changed our lives. Most of us have lost jobs, houses, money and lifestyles because we stand on a wall for everyone else. The Army cannot afford to take care of its own so it is passing the buck to the VA. I'm sure it is the same with the Corps as well.

Send Help - we need it.

Operation Purple - Serious Today

Its warm (55°) and kinda cloudy today in Denver. South of town where I live, the snow is expected to start flying tonight. Winter Storm Warnings and 4 to 8 of the white stuff.

You've got to love spring time in the Rockies.

I don't talk about my kids too much in here. Most of that is intentional. I love them, would be lost without them but the reality is they just need to try to be kids again. What they've lost, they'll never get back, no matter how hard I try so I usually leave them out of this.

If you and your children have ever lived through having your significant other being medevac'd out of Iraq or Afghanistan you would know that an Army casualty notification kills a piece of their childhood. I hid my wife's injuries until she was within a day or two of coming home. Then I sat down and tried to explain it all to them.

BTW - I probably screwed that part up too. Just add it to the list!

I didn't let them meet her plane at Fort Bragg. She was going straight to the hospital in an ambulance anyway. I did let them visit her there though.

Like us, kids go through phases of loss when dealing with a mom or dad who doesn't hike or climb or play Frisbee or kayak or do any of that fun stuff anymore. we all go through these phases of loss but I think it is harder on them. It has to be - ten year olds haven't learned to deal with loss or pain. Come to think of it - neither have I.

I'm digressing - Sorry!

The point of this post is to talk about Operation Purple: Operation Purple is a series of summer camps around the country for kids of service members who are deployed. Developed and promoted by the national Military Family Association(NMFA) with some serious sponsorship from the Dells and Sears, it is a place where military kids get to be kids again. our children need to be around other kids who know what their lives are like. They need to be around kids who can relate to what they have gone through. They also run some camps for the children of disabled service members and disabled vets of the WOT. These kids (Mine) have a whole other list of issues to deal with.

Please check out the link and spread it around.

http://www.operationpurple.org/

Peace