I'll skip the lame excuses for my hiatus this time. Suffice it to say, I just got busy. Mind you not in terms of gettin buzzzy :-(
I promised at the end of my last post to take some time and talk about what life is like in a Post GWOT PTSD family (enough acronyms!). This one is easy..
It blows huge A$$
Sorry mom - I know you hate it when I swear but at my age the failures are no longer considered yours so just deal with it and love me for who I am.
Besides - this is my secret identity (sadly neither Pink or Scarlett J with or without Jello will ever know who I am)
Anyway, back to the topic. Living in a PTSD family is like living on the razor. One day you slide left and one day you slide right. Either side can be good or bad and life hanging on to the middle cuts you right between the toes. If you happen to fall in the middle its a big razor up the a$$ so you have to learn to fall to either side but never straight down.
Most days, I try to balance it just right and I'm successful. The laundry gets done, the herd gets fed, and BBG says she loves me before she falls asleep irregardless of the drugs on board. On the bad days, life goes down in one of about four different ways:
1) BBG is feeling physically ill and struggling to make it through the day and the kids are being jerks and I am unable to put humpty back together again (Bad), 2) BBG is OK emotionally, but is physically ill and I am running thirty seconds behind everything that happens. Its been going on for ten days or so and I lose the will to fight another losing battle and I lose my cool. I'm a man so I lose my cool in a stomp around the house three year-old temper tantrum passive agressive sort of way (Very bad), 3) BBG is doing fine but I have not yet recovered from # 2 and carry on (Verry Baddd) and 4) My personal favorite - something triggers BBG's PTSD in a bad way (burnt barbecue, dogs, crowds and very loud noises are the worst offenders - I'll leave it up to your imagination why). She is pissed off, cranked up, ready for war and the smallest issue with previously mentioned grommets sends her through the roof. They in turn have learned to react to these days by behaving exactly like mommy and the spiral steepens. (razor up your butt kinda bad day)
We talk openly about these things because we are trying to keep ourselves and BBG sane. We also talk about it because we don't want to become one of those statistics I frequently post about. I think this is helping but lets be honest...
If you're standing in the tracks as the train comes at you, knowing it doesn't do any damn good. The only way to not get run over by the train is to get off the damn tracks. Sounds pretty simple doesn't it?
I think someone nailed my shoes down
TIA
Earl
Click Play... to Listen to What I write to
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
Friday, February 13, 2009
A Me day
OK - most of this year will be dedictaed to our wounded.
Today is just me being a dad.
I need to stop being a soldier and I need to chill out. A friend from work is headed to a bikini vacation in Bali and she was telling me all about it over dinner on my recent business trip to Europe. Unintentionally, I gave her a forty five minute threat and personal security briefing. She told me today that she might not go.
oops
To make things even worse, I am sending my baby girl (sixteen and about to be a senior in high school) off to China for a month of language emersion this coming summer. I was on the phone with someone from the program's offices in Toronto today and found myself grilling her about about security issues. I probably owe her an apology but I'm going to hide behind the concerned parent excuse rather than the Army Officer and husband of messed up Iraq vet. It seems a little more normal.
You know I was getting a little excessive when BBG - the woman who wakes up screaming and starts digging in the comforter for her weapon late at night tells me to chill out.
Tomorrow, I'll tell you a little bit what happens to you after you've lived with a PTSD vet for awhile.
TIA
Earl
Today is just me being a dad.
I need to stop being a soldier and I need to chill out. A friend from work is headed to a bikini vacation in Bali and she was telling me all about it over dinner on my recent business trip to Europe. Unintentionally, I gave her a forty five minute threat and personal security briefing. She told me today that she might not go.
oops
To make things even worse, I am sending my baby girl (sixteen and about to be a senior in high school) off to China for a month of language emersion this coming summer. I was on the phone with someone from the program's offices in Toronto today and found myself grilling her about about security issues. I probably owe her an apology but I'm going to hide behind the concerned parent excuse rather than the Army Officer and husband of messed up Iraq vet. It seems a little more normal.
You know I was getting a little excessive when BBG - the woman who wakes up screaming and starts digging in the comforter for her weapon late at night tells me to chill out.
Tomorrow, I'll tell you a little bit what happens to you after you've lived with a PTSD vet for awhile.
TIA
Earl
Wednesday, February 11, 2009
Taking Chance
Many of you who have followed my little rants against the world for a while, know that I was one of the contributors to the NEA, Boeing, Random House Book - Operation Homecoming and a member of one of the two documentary films made about the book. I was very fortunate to attend book signings at the Library of Congress and around the country and to meet and interact with some of the greats in American Literature: Andrew Carroll, Mark Bowden, Jeff Shaara and Ray Bradbury and all of the brilliant young men and women who contributed to the book. Very cool stuff for an aspiring writer.
I never read the book in its entirety until I got a copy at the book launch and signing at the library of Congress a couple of years back. As I flew home from DC to Denver on a packed United Airlines 757, I read it cover to cover. It is a powerful read and as my story is a part of the collection it is even more poignant. The last thing I read was "Taking Chance" by LTC Michael Strobel. It's the story of his travels, escorting the remains of Marine Chance Phelps home to his family in Wyoming.
In this airplane full of harried business folks on their way home from a hard week's work, I cried as much as I cried when I got the 0330 call from a young Marine LCPL at Landstuhl Regional Medical Center as BBG was unloaded from the medevac flight out of Iraq.
Although I would love you to read the book to hear all of our stories this one is a must read and a must see. Below are links to Operation Homecoming, the documentary film about the book, and the trailer to Taking Chance.
Operation Homecoming:
http://www.nea.gov/national/homecoming/index.html
Muse of Fire - Documentary Film (Free DVD):
http://www.museoffire.net/Request_a_DVD.html
Taking Chance:
TIA
Earl
I never read the book in its entirety until I got a copy at the book launch and signing at the library of Congress a couple of years back. As I flew home from DC to Denver on a packed United Airlines 757, I read it cover to cover. It is a powerful read and as my story is a part of the collection it is even more poignant. The last thing I read was "Taking Chance" by LTC Michael Strobel. It's the story of his travels, escorting the remains of Marine Chance Phelps home to his family in Wyoming.
In this airplane full of harried business folks on their way home from a hard week's work, I cried as much as I cried when I got the 0330 call from a young Marine LCPL at Landstuhl Regional Medical Center as BBG was unloaded from the medevac flight out of Iraq.
Although I would love you to read the book to hear all of our stories this one is a must read and a must see. Below are links to Operation Homecoming, the documentary film about the book, and the trailer to Taking Chance.
Operation Homecoming:
http://www.nea.gov/national/homecoming/index.html
Muse of Fire - Documentary Film (Free DVD):
http://www.museoffire.net/Request_a_DVD.html
Taking Chance:
TIA
Earl
Sad News
SO I mentioned the other day that I would add a really sobering post. I'm sorry that it took me so long to get it up but this is probably one of the most distrubing things that I have addressed here in the past and given recent events do so again.
Its a critical issue that anyone who has served in OIF, OEF, the GWOT and their families have to deal with. It is in fact the elephant in this room of war that we are perpetualy engaged in.
Army Suicide Numbers have spiked at an alarming rate
On February 5th, the Army announced that it had seven confirmed suicides last month and are investigating another seventeen. They will in all probability be ruled suicides and so the Army has its highest suicide rate in one month for as long as they've been keeping records - this as a string of years of higher and higher suicide rates continues to grow. There are no details about the individuals who have lost all hope and ended it or the locations where the suicides have occurred. Fort Campbell, KT has however confirmed four suicides last month near the base. As a former Screaming Eagle - it breaks my heart,. As an Officer I feel we are letting our soldiers down. As an American, I am ashamed that the issues our soldiers face in war and after multiple deployments are a low priority in our lives.
As the husband of BBG and all of her injuries, surgeries, and struggles with PTSD and post medical retirement it is a fear that lives in us - always just under the surface. I will tell you this: we talk about it openly because I don't want to lose my babies momma. I am going to list a couple of resources below.
If you know a soldier or vet struggling to deal with life after the suck please refer them to these links - hell give them my e-mail. I'll stop whatever I'm doing and get them pointed to the right people especially if they live in the Denver Metro area.
Here's the links:
1) A great PSA from actor Gary Sinise, a true veterans advocate.
2) This is the Army's Suicide Prevention Website
http://chppm-www.apgea.army.mil/dhpw/Readiness/suicide.aspx
3) This is the VA Suicide Website
http://www.mentalhealth.va.gov/suicide_prevention/index.asp
and finally here is the number to the VA suicide Prevention Hotline - it is open and staffed 24/7/365.
1-800-273-TALK (8255)
We have failed every time one of our own loses all hope and see suicide as relief from their pain. Please spread the message.
TIA
Earl
Its a critical issue that anyone who has served in OIF, OEF, the GWOT and their families have to deal with. It is in fact the elephant in this room of war that we are perpetualy engaged in.
Army Suicide Numbers have spiked at an alarming rate
On February 5th, the Army announced that it had seven confirmed suicides last month and are investigating another seventeen. They will in all probability be ruled suicides and so the Army has its highest suicide rate in one month for as long as they've been keeping records - this as a string of years of higher and higher suicide rates continues to grow. There are no details about the individuals who have lost all hope and ended it or the locations where the suicides have occurred. Fort Campbell, KT has however confirmed four suicides last month near the base. As a former Screaming Eagle - it breaks my heart,. As an Officer I feel we are letting our soldiers down. As an American, I am ashamed that the issues our soldiers face in war and after multiple deployments are a low priority in our lives.
As the husband of BBG and all of her injuries, surgeries, and struggles with PTSD and post medical retirement it is a fear that lives in us - always just under the surface. I will tell you this: we talk about it openly because I don't want to lose my babies momma. I am going to list a couple of resources below.
If you know a soldier or vet struggling to deal with life after the suck please refer them to these links - hell give them my e-mail. I'll stop whatever I'm doing and get them pointed to the right people especially if they live in the Denver Metro area.
Here's the links:
1) A great PSA from actor Gary Sinise, a true veterans advocate.
2) This is the Army's Suicide Prevention Website
http://chppm-www.apgea.army.mil/dhpw/Readiness/suicide.aspx
3) This is the VA Suicide Website
http://www.mentalhealth.va.gov/suicide_prevention/index.asp
and finally here is the number to the VA suicide Prevention Hotline - it is open and staffed 24/7/365.
1-800-273-TALK (8255)
We have failed every time one of our own loses all hope and see suicide as relief from their pain. Please spread the message.
TIA
Earl
Thursday, February 5, 2009
When you need it done right
I stole this post from Airman Mom, another milblogger who has a great site. You can check her out here:
http://airmanmom.blogspot.com
She made my day. I hope you like it.
A soldier was attending some college courses between assignments. He had completed missions in Iraq and Afghanistan. One of the courses had a professor who was a vowed atheist and a member of the ACLU.
One day the professor shocked the class when he came in. He looked to the ceiling and flatly stated, 'God, if you are real, then I want you to knock me off this platform. I'll give! you exactly 15 minutes.'
The lecture room fell silent. You could hear a pin drop.
Ten minutes went by and the professor proclaimed, 'Here I am God. I'm still waiting'.
It got down to the last couple of minutes when the soldier got out of his chair,went up to the professor, and cold-cocked him; knocking him off the platform. The professor was out cold. The soldier went back to his seat and sat there, silently. The other students were shocked and stunned and sat there looking on in silence.
The professor eventually came to, noticeably shaken, looked at the soldier and asked, 'What the hell is the matter with you? Why did you do that?' The soldier calmly replied, 'God was too busy today protecting America's soldiers who are protecting your right to say stupid shit and act like an asshole. So, He sent me.'
On a side note - I have another post ready for tomorrow but it was just too sad to talk about after seeing this. I'll post it tomorrow.
TIA
Earl
http://airmanmom.blogspot.com
She made my day. I hope you like it.
A soldier was attending some college courses between assignments. He had completed missions in Iraq and Afghanistan. One of the courses had a professor who was a vowed atheist and a member of the ACLU.
One day the professor shocked the class when he came in. He looked to the ceiling and flatly stated, 'God, if you are real, then I want you to knock me off this platform. I'll give! you exactly 15 minutes.'
The lecture room fell silent. You could hear a pin drop.
Ten minutes went by and the professor proclaimed, 'Here I am God. I'm still waiting'.
It got down to the last couple of minutes when the soldier got out of his chair,went up to the professor, and cold-cocked him; knocking him off the platform. The professor was out cold. The soldier went back to his seat and sat there, silently. The other students were shocked and stunned and sat there looking on in silence.
The professor eventually came to, noticeably shaken, looked at the soldier and asked, 'What the hell is the matter with you? Why did you do that?' The soldier calmly replied, 'God was too busy today protecting America's soldiers who are protecting your right to say stupid shit and act like an asshole. So, He sent me.'
On a side note - I have another post ready for tomorrow but it was just too sad to talk about after seeing this. I'll post it tomorrow.
TIA
Earl
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
